Monday, December 29, 2008

Chicago in December


Chicago is beautiful in December....


We used to go every year because we honeymooned in Chicago just a few days before Christmas! (Our church wedding was December 20th!)
We haven't gone in a few years and were so glad to have the chance to make it this time.



It was fun but instead of the snow you'd expect in Chicago in December, we were blasted with huge torrential downpours of cold rain!





We bought umbrellas and did as much walking as we could... it was cold and wet and we were glad to get back to the hotel and it's nice hottub when we were finished!






When we were at Gurnee Mills Mall, Kate won a bike in the toys for tots raffle and also made me proud when she won again, promptly picked out a nice Radio Flyer Wagon, and placed it in the toys for tots donation box!

We had a blast in Chicago!
Check out my slideshow to see more cool photos!



Friday, December 19, 2008

LIVE WEBCAM from my area.... it's not NICE out.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Christmas time is coming!!!



LITTLE WOOD GUITAR

1st Verse
It's Christmas day, and the snow is comin' down
Church bells sway, They're ringin' to wake the town
Preacher Kline recites his lines, The pews will be full today
Mr. Howell cranks up his plow, His blades'll clear the way

2nd Verse
It's Christmas day, and the pecan pies are bakin
'Mothers say,"It's the givin' not the takin'"
My brother's brand new bicycle is out janglin' in the street.
I watch him through the icicles, with this wood box beneath my feet

Chorus
All I got is this little wood guitar,
What it brought is neon lights in crowded bars
Like all the Kings with all their gold
Went chasin' down your star, I'm told
Every highway takes me where you are
With this little wood guitar

3rd Verse
It's Christmas day, Funny how the years can shape us
Much has changed,
I'm a musician, I'm a waitress
Chicago's a winter wonderland, At my brother's and his wife's
Passin' 'round their dinner plates, and dissecting my life

(Repeat Chorus)
All I got is this little wood guitar
What it brought is neon lights in crowded bars
Like all the Kings with all their gold
Went chasin' down your star, I'm told
Every highway takes me where you are
With this little wood guitar

Bridge
I never stopped believin'
I just kept on singin'
Now people come to hear from miles around
And I don't mind confessin'"
But I still count my blessin's
I just never thought I'd settle down

4th Verse
It's Christmas day, and little ones are wakin'
I hear them play, I can hear the presents shakin'
A boy's outside on his new bike, janglin' in the street
A little girl, she's watchin' him
That wood box beneath her feet

Tag Chorus
All she got is this little wood guitar
What I thought is it might take her pretty far
Like all the Kings with all their gold
Went chasin' down your star, I'm told
Every highway takes me where you are
With this little wood guitar
Little wood guitar

Thursday, November 27, 2008

the future seems so.....

Today wasn't really too bad until nighttime when it was time to go home. I held my tongue at the inlaws. At what point does it become OK for someone who has not raised a child to tell me how to raise mine???
I bit my tongue and let it slide.
If she had pressed it I would have left.
While I have finally found enough of myself to stick up for myself, I also believe there are times when it's okay to let it slide for the sake of my kids and this was one of those times.
so like I said, life really wasn't all that bad until tonight when we left my moms house....

While packing the leftovers in the back of the van, my son had a TOTAL MELTDOWN that involved the whole family as it almost always does. They are not as often as they use to be, but doesn't mean the things he says and does don't hurt people.

Honestly, I really don't care how it makes me feel... I can deal..... This too shall pass.... but seeing what it does to his sisters that just kills me inside.

My husband just ignores all this.
It seems now that it's OKAY with him if this kid makes our life hell. It's okay no matter what he does.... he can do no wrong.
It doesn't matter what he does, my husband continues to reward him.
If I try to impose a punishment he doesn't follow through with it on his side of things, so basically it has become POINTLESS.

I can't do this by myself. I never wanted to be a single parent.
I did all the right things... I waited to have kids... and now this???

I don't know if it's because he feels guilty that he doesn't get the time to spend with the kids anymore, or what, but this is the one time in my life when I really WISH I had someone to fall back on for support. A place to land. Someone to be THERE FOR ME. I need that so bad and I don't have it.

He doesn't seem to care anymore at all that our relationship is falling apart because of all this either. The lack of support I guess that is killing me worse than the bipolar problems at this point. What a mess.

There are some times where I am just ready to pack my crap and go, and tonight is one of those times. At this point I am here for the other kids and that is about it. THE ONLY REASON. Sad but true.

I just keep telling myself it won't be this way forever.
But if we continue to grow apart like this, there will come a time where I just won't be able to stay here anymore. I don't want to live the rest of my life feeling like this. If it comes down to that I'll be gone...

It's hard to say that.
Hard to think that.

We had all these plans and dreams for the future.
They just don't sound exciting anymore.
No, that's not right.
They do sound exciting.
But at this point I don't want to do them with HIM.
I just keep thinking about not having the support from him and how painful that is.
I don't want to feel that way forever.






Wednesday, November 19, 2008


****************************************

just haven't written in awhile...

been so bogged down with homework.

One month until I graduate...

I can't wait!!

It will be nice to have some free time to play with my toys.

Saturday, November 8, 2008

Today
I got one of the worst headaches I have ever had in my LIFE!
No, yanno, it WAS the worst... EVER!
It was excruciating.

I was in a store this morning, and I had bent down to look at something,
when I got up I got that dizzy feeling you sometimes get when you get up too fast....
but then that was replaced
by what they call an "aura"
flashing lights floating and twirling and racing in front of my eyes.
My arms and legs felt tingly like they'd fallen asleep
I just was NOT right.
I don't know what to think.
Am I sick with something and I don't know it?
I guess it could have been the weather...
the sharp change from warm to ice cold. (it was snowing here this morning!)
Maybe my blood pressure was lower than normal today?
The barometric pressure in the air?
I don't know what but it was awful.
We had to leave the place we were shopping...
I was afraid I wouldn't be able to see well enough to drive.
The pain didn't actually start until I got home...
I've done everything I could today to make it go away,
4 motrin twice now,
3 excedrin migrane twice now,
Kevin gave me a massage,
Katie walked on my back,
I lay under the OTT light (replacement for sunshine)
I listen to the ocean on my ocean sounds disc,
I slept with the electric blanket on high
and a hot pack on my neck....
but still it's there.... lurking under the surface...
I still feel it on the top right side of my brain.
In a few I'll take some MOTRIN PM, which should throughly knock me out
and hopefully knock this headache out
so it's not here when I get up in the morning.
I sure hope it works.

I feel like the whole day was wasted....
I had so much I had planned to do today....
time going down the drain...
gone...
I hate that worse than anything...
you can not get it back.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

and I am still numb

It has been 24 hours and I still feel numb inside.
I felt sick all day today, just terrible sick.
I cannot with good conscience call that man my president.
Every day I find something more to be afraid of.
But I must cast my fear aside, get ready for a better fight, and put it all in God's hands.

I found a good site to read... this guy at least kind of cheers me up...
https://drslogan.wordpress.com/
he's a smart guy and makes me feel that life can go on.

John McCain is still my hero, and always will be.
Someday I'd love to go to AZ again and meet him.
I had a friend who did once and I just hung on her every word.
He has the integrity I wish everyone did.
Anyone who listens to his campaign concession speech from last night can tell that he loves his country with all his heart, his soul... with every bit of his being.
I wish we could say the man who was voted into the presidency did, but it's not so.

One thing I have learned is to continue to stand up for what I believe in, NO MATTER WHAT.
In the past few months I have been surrounded by idiots, thrown into a lion's den and marched over. Going to a liberal college does not make life easier. But I made it through and only because I stood strong for my beliefs and didn't let the crazy world shoot them down.

In the end integrity shall rule.
John McCain you are the real hero here regardless of what the world thinks.
Regardless of the fact that they invited some pretty boy to be their leader.
You have the spirit of a true leader and you have and will continue to use that spirit to do great things.
Thank you for all you have done and for all I know you will continue to do, for this wonderful country the United State of America.


Here is the script of John's heartfelt speech:

MCCAIN: Thank you. Thank you, my friends. Thank you for coming here on this beautiful Arizona evening. My friends, we have — we have come to the end of a long journey. The American people have spoken, and they have spoken clearly. A little while ago, I had the honor of calling Senator Barack Obama to congratulate him.

Please.
To congratulate him on being elected the next president of the country that we both love.

In a contest as long and difficult as this campaign has been, his success alone commands my respect for his ability and perseverance. But that he managed to do so by inspiring the hopes of so many millions of Americans who had once wrongly believed that they had little at stake or little influence in the election of an American president is something I deeply admire and commend him for achieving.
This is an historic election, and I recognize the special significance it has for African-Americans and for the special pride that must be theirs tonight. I've always believed that America offers opportunities to all who have the industry and will to seize it. Senator Obama believes that, too.
But we both recognize that, though we have come a long way from the old injustices that once stained our nation's reputation and denied some Americans the full blessings of American citizenship, the memory of them still had the power to wound.
A century ago, President Theodore Roosevelt's invitation of Booker T. Washington to dine at the White House was taken as an outrage in many quarters. America today is a world away from the cruel and frightful bigotry of that time. There is no better evidence of this than the election of an African-American to the presidency of the United States.Let there be no reason now ...

Let there be no reason now for any American to fail to cherish their citizenship in this, the greatest nation on Earth.


Senator Obama has achieved a great thing for himself and for his country. I applaud him for it, and offer him my sincere sympathy that his beloved grandmother did not live to see this day. Though our faith assures us she is at rest in the presence of her creator and so very proud of the good man she helped raise.
Senator Obama and I have had, and argued our differences, and he has prevailed. No doubt many of those differences remain. These are difficult times for our country. And I pledge to him tonight to do all in my power to help him lead us through the many challenges we face.
I urge all Americans

I urge all Americans who supported me to join me in not just congratulating him, but offering our next president our good will and earnest effort to find ways to come together to find the necessary compromises to bridge our differences and help restore our prosperity, defend our security in a dangerous world, and leave our children and grandchildren a stronger, better country than we inherited.
Whatever our differences, we are fellow Americans. And please believe me when I say no association has ever meant more to me than that.

It is natural. It's natural, tonight, to feel some disappointment. But tomorrow, we must move beyond it and work together to get our country moving again.
We fought — we fought as hard as we could. And though we feel short, the failure is mine, not yours.
AUDIENCE: No!
MCCAIN: I am so...
AUDIENCE:
MCCAIN: I am so deeply grateful to all of you for the great honor of your support and for all you have done for me. I wish the outcome had been different, my friends.
AUDIENCE MEMBER: We do, too (OFF-MIKE)
MCCAIN: The road was a difficult one from the outset, but your support and friendship never wavered. I cannot adequately express how deeply indebted I am to you.
I'm especially grateful to my wife, Cindy, my children, my dear mother ... my dear mother and all my family, and to the many old and dear friends who have stood by my side through the many ups and downs of this long campaign.
I have always been a fortunate man, and never more so for the love and encouragement you have given me. You know, campaigns are often harder on a candidate's family than on the candidate, and that's been true in this campaign.
All I can offer in compensation is my love and gratitude and the promise of more peaceful years ahead.
I am also — I am also, of course, very thankful to Governor Sarah Palin, one of the best campaigners I've ever seen...

One of the best campaigners I have ever seen, and an impressive new voice in our party for reform and the principles that have always been our greatest strength ... her husband Todd and their five beautiful children ... for their tireless dedication to our cause, and the courage and grace they showed in the rough and tumble of a presidential campaign.
We can all look forward with great interest to her future service to Alaska, the Republican Party and our country.

To all my campaign comrades, from Rick Davis and Steve Schmidt and Mark Salter, to every last volunteer who fought so hard and valiantly, month after month, in what at times seemed to be the most challenged campaign in modern times, thank you so much. A lost election will never mean more to me than the privilege of your faith and friendship.
I don't know — I don't know what more we could have done to try to win this election. I'll leave that to others to determine. Every candidate makes mistakes, and I'm sure I made my share of ‘em. But I won't spend a moment of the future regretting what might have been.
This campaign was and will remain the great honor of my life, and my heart is filled with nothing but gratitude for the experience and to the American people for giving me a fair hearing before deciding that Senator Obama and my old friend Senator Joe Biden should have the honor of leading us for the next four years.
Please. Please.
I would not — I would not be an American worthy of the name should I regret a fate that has allowed me the extraordinary privilege of serving this country for a half a century.
Today, I was a candidate for the highest office in the country I love so much. And tonight, I remain her servant. That is blessing enough for anyone, and I thank the people of Arizona for it.

MCCAIN: Tonight — tonight, more than any night, I hold in my heart nothing but love for this country and for all its citizens, whether they supported me or Senator Obama — whether they supported me or Senator Obama.
I wish Godspeed to the man who was my former opponent and will be my president. And I call on all Americans, as I have often in this campaign, to not despair of our present difficulties, but to believe, always, in the promise and greatness of America, because nothing is inevitable here.
Americans never quit. We never surrender.
We never hide from history. We make history.
Thank you, and God bless you, and God bless America. Thank you all very much


Tuesday, November 4, 2008

I'm sick to my stomach, and I feel like I want to throw up.
I mean I am literally physically ill.
I NEVER thought I'd see this day happen.
God, Lord, please help us all.


The state I live in is making it legal to smoke marijuana, and to take live human embryos and clone them, and in our great nation, a radical left wing unpatriotic beast is becoming the president.

I will be praying the end of times comes soon, because the pain that will be inflicted upon this country with this new regime will be great and hard to bear. It would be better the world would end, then to become completely a modern day Sodom and Gomorrah, which is what is about to happen. When a man can OPENLY issue an obscence gesture at his running mate, and still get enough votes to become the president, you know that the morals here have broken down to such a point there is not even any respect left. All integrity has passed. Our great nation is being handed openly to the terrorists.
I tried to do my part but 'tis a loosing battle. I have no hope for the future now, unless someone can stop this nonsense.
Dear Lord help us all... everything else has failed.

Sunday, November 2, 2008

What makes a hero?

Somebody asked that somewhere recently and it got me to thinking what makes my heros my heros?
I think a big part of it is selflessness. Someone who did something for someone else, that they didn't HAVE to do or weren't forced to do. No one MADE them do it... they did it out of the goodness of their heart, many times without even thinking about it, because that is just the kind of person they are... selfless, giving, open, fair....
But not just ONE thing... they live their whole lives like that.... so making that choice is just their nature. It's not a decision, just a way of life.

Another is openess. Willing to listen to all the opinions and factors and THEN make up their mind, instead of only hearing one side and deciding that is what they have to believe in. I love someone who will listen to all sides of an issue and then decide what is right for the good of all.
Someone willing to compromise, to make things better for all involved. Sort of like a bridge between two sides. Maybe a peace maker. Or at least one who TRIES to make peace.

Also someone NON prejudiced. Someone who knows we all bleed the same color. We are all capable of possessing that higher level of intellegence if we want to.
to be continued....

Saturday, November 1, 2008

sometimes I think

I should have just stayed in bed all day.
Yeah I had one of those days...
work went OVER what it was supposed to.
Usually when they have the job written as 3 hours it takes 2 or less....
today it took over 4.
So didn't make it to the special store I wanted to go to,
didn't get to spend ANY time at the church bazzaar.
(it was closed already by the time I got there)
Then I get there and things just aren't going well.
So I think, Ok, I'll go to Kmart, get my double coupon shopping done.
So I'm there over an hour, then the computer won't work right and they don't want to give me the proper credit for double coupons.
I was SO MAD. I told the lady "give me my coupons back and you can keep your stuff"
and I left.
I won't EVER shop at Kmart again. They can keep their crap.
Things just got worse from there...
Katie was misbehaving and we lost her a few times in the store.
I think next time I need a dog leash for her.
(NO I AM NOT KIDDING.... )
It was one of those days when I should have just stayed home in bed.
ALL day.
It would have been a lot better than the day I had.
All I can say is
tomorrow will be better.
IT HAS TO BE.

It's NOVEMBER already?




Time flies fast.


The trees are all changed to crimson, gold, marron and brown.




Although we have been blessed with a few unseasonably warm days, the nights are all frosty and frigid and I need the electric blanket, if just to warm the bed before I go in.

Wasn't it just yesterday I was walking the sands of PJ Hoffmaster, listening to the singing sand beneath my feet?
That day I got the board out because there were actually some waves was like total magic. There is no feeling like riding a wave. I lose myself in that... there are no more problems, no more worry... just me and the wave.

But all I have left is the hope that I can go again next year.
I don't take winter well. At all. The cold invades my bones and chills every single ounce of my being. It's like I have no defense. No way to get warm.

I pile the bed with blankets and pile myself with longjohns, sweaters, sweatshirts and down jackets. To no avail. I am still cold. Nothing makes me warm but the appearence of the summer sun and it's radiant heat.

When it's 95° and people are complaining their lips off, I am just comfortable.
I don't know why but I have always been that way.
Momma said Daddy was like that too.

He wore flannel shirts all summer so he wouldn't get cold. It had to be 85° outside before he'd take us to the lake for a swim. In the winter he'd sit on the furnace and sip hot coffee most of the night. He worked in the foundry all day. I don't know when he slept. I guess I got that from him too. I don't need much sleep either.


Someday I'm gonna move where it's warm.
I can't stand the time I waste hibernating, but I can't make myself move when I am cold.
I just can't do it.

I want to live where I can LIVE year around. When I can get up every day and know it's going to be a productive day. Where I don't need layer upon layer of restrictive clothing to allow me to at least function. Instead of living for a few months and spending the rest of my time freezing.
My day will come.
You'll see!















Monday, October 27, 2008

pmdd. AGAIN.

I am really feeling it BAD this month.
My stomach is wincing...
these attacks in my gut always seem worse...
the doc says due to hormones interacting...
It hits me like a brick in the face and my whole world goes awry.
My head is pounding...
like little lightbulbs exploding inside, over and over again,
and little shards of glass cutting, chopping, gouging me in the back of my eyes.
Migranes.
My thoughts are not all my own,
and I catch myself so many times biting my tongue...
Thankfully I usually catch myself...
my tact is gone and insanity is taking over half my thoughts.

I am so many times almost getting myself into trouble...
My thoughts go all over weird places,
The world is a scary place when this happens
and I just keep telling myself
"It will pass, and you will feel better.... "
and
"NO big decision making at this time..."

All my instincts tell me different though and sometimes I just can't stop myself.
Sometimes,though it's a GOOD thing....
because it keeps me from letting people take advantage of me.
I've let that happen more than one too many times and
I'm not doing it anymore.

If people want to put me down,
walk on me and take advantage of my kindness,
they are NOT worth my time and effort.
And I am NOT giving it to them.
If they aren't for me, they are against me.

I can't waste my time on people who bring me down.
Life is just WAY too short to spend it freaking about how someone sees me,
or worrying about how I might be "offending" them by being myself.

Ok, don't get me wrong,I am NOT an unreasonable person.
I would consider myself QUITE the opposite.
Yes even at this time of month.

I am also NOT a selfish person and I think anyone who knows me would say that.
I honestly believe, with all my heart and soul,
that EVERY THING we have is from God and he gave it with us to SHARE,
not play hog with.

Ok, do I sound like I just lost a friend?
Yeah, I gave up on somebody tonight that I *thought* was my friend.
I feel taken advantage of, hurt and just a tad bit ( infuriatingly SO) PISSED OFF.

I want to cry.I want to scream.I want to fight.
I want to rip someones damn head off.
But I won't.
and I will get over it.
I guess I should learn from my mistakes....
but sometimes the lesson is pointless.

There's always tomorrow.
And I just keep telling myself....
REMEMBER WHO YOU ARE.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

still recovering from the weekend?


Last weekend I had the wonderful opportunity to attend a scrapbook retreat out in the beautiful autumn woods on Center Lake in Tustin. It was nice to get away but it sure didn't last long enough and I'm ready to go again!
I took this photo from the Bible Camp we were staying at... it turned out nice so I entered it in the fall photo contest at Michigan.org.

I like autumn but I HATE what comes next. I'm already wearing long johns and I can't even bake cinnamon rolls for breakfast and warm up the house due to the oven being out of order at the moment. (see previous post) It's already so cold in the mornings you can see your breath and have to scrape a thick layer of ice off your car when you go to leave for work!

I hope we can still find worms tomorrow night for fishing on Saturday. I'm trying to get the hubby to bring the boat up to Lake Mitchell in Cadillac, which isn't far from Tustin, and the colors are at absolute peak right now... gorgeous. We've never had the boat out on Lake Mitchell.... we only just got it fixed this month, but we've hung out at the boat ramp before. It's so pretty up there.

Eventually we'd like to buy a cottage on Lake Mitchell, since the parents sold the "family" cottage up north. Ours will have a clause in the deed that PROHIBITS it from being sold away from the family!!! It broke my kids hearts when they did that. I chose Lake Mitchell because it's closer to home. The old cottage was about 3.5 hours away, Lake Mitchell is just over an hour.

We also have a new kitty. He was living in the boat all summer. At first I didn't "want" him. He would sit on my van, and even hop inside if I left it open. Katie was putting out bowls of food for him and every stray in the neighborhood was having a picnic in my yard!! It really made me mad when Jessica started opening my canned chicken and feeding him that. That stuff isn't cheap and I definitely did NOT buy it for a stray cat to eat! We didn't really have the money to spend on a new cat either. But he is so sweet and loving. After awhile he even won my heart. He is just the sweetest little thing.
So he lived in the boat all summer. Nobody claimed him. One day last month we took him in to the vet to get tested to be sure he had no diseses he can give to Austin. He was disease free, so we had his shots done. Then we took him just 2 weeks ago and had him declawed.














Wednesday, October 22, 2008


Ok, so I just spent the last 30 minutes reading every spot on can online about how to remove melted plastic from the bottom of your oven. Now I think I need to go find the tutorial for how to NOT use your daughters fat head to remove the melted plastic from the bottom of the oven.

Yeah, I go to class tonight not even the slightest bit worried (yes I usually am worried) about people messing up my stuff.....
Jessica and Erica are at church with the youth leader working on projects for Youth ministry.
Kevin is with a few friends (good trustable, not mess your house up kind of friends even!!!) and Katie is, unbeknowst to her, on her way to a FAMILY FORCE 5 concert with her Daddy.
So when I leave the house is devoid of all life forms with the exception of the canines and the felines, who are all doing their usual routine: snoring.

My first warning that something was wrong was when I met Daddy to pick Katie up after the concert (he had to go right to work) and he said Jessica burned some containers in the oven.
Yeah, my BRAND NEW gorgeous beautiful EXPENSIVE oven!!!

First red flag....
JESSICA WILL NOT BAKE IN THE OVEN....
she's scared of it.
She won't even help me make cookies.
Which tells me she was cold,
and thought she might warm the house up by turning on the oven.
(she's done it before... I have caught her. She learned this damn bad habit from my mom)
Yeah, a big 5 bedroom house, a little tiny oven ought to do the trick. (HELLO!)

So then I pull in,
Second Red flag....
there in the middle of the driveway sits a pile of melted containers half full of cookies with a fat stray cat sitting in the middle of them pigging out! Even the cats like my cookies!

After examining the mess of molten plastic, I knew my oven could not look good. There were only HALF of the molten containers sitting there..... the other half I realized, must still lie in the bottom of my oven.

Upon opening the door to come inside, we are hit with the most putrid smell you can imagine. My whole house emanates of this nasty reeking fume that hits you like a wall when you step inside. It makes me almost wonder if one of the cats wasn't locked inside the oven as well. How long will this smell hang out around here?? I sure hope it leaves soon.

The inside of the oven looks like a wax candle exploded inside.
I have no clue what I'm going to do to clean it up....
my daughter does have long hair.... would't it work to...........

naw. People go to jail for those things.

A part of me wonders if this was on purpose.
there have been too many coincindences lately.
If her brother hadn't come home with his friends would my house had burned down?
I can't help but think of these things with all that has been going on lately.
Bipolar is a scary monster that keeps knocking on our door.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

wow it's been a long time

It's been a while since I posted at all.
I am taking 6 classes and the homework just piles up on me. Between that and work and everything around here with the kids and house, I have NO TIME for anything else.
I love my classes though..... at least MOST of them. LOL.
I love my computer classes - learning how to navigate the new Microsoft Word and Excel 2007 and I already use the programs a lot anyway so it's something I really needed to learn.
Self Defense class is KILLING ME... I didn't realize how OUT OF SHAPE I was until I started in there... I am learning a lot though and it's helping me with some things I have thought about since I was a teenager.
The lab science is the big doozie. It's going to trash my perfect 4.0 I have going. I got a B+ on my first test in there last week. I studied like CRAZY too. The class is INCREDIBLY hard for me. I just can not fathom atoms and all that stuff. To me the world is made up of letters, stories, poems, etc. not atoms. I have a quote somewhere that says that..... from someone famous and I have to wholeheartedly agree.
I am also taking the History of Immigration in America. It's very interesting. The whole reason I took the class is that I want to write about my ancestors and their journey to America and life here as immigrants. I am learning a lot and while we haven't (and won't) really touched much much on the Dutch aspect of immigration to America, the overall general gist of it is still there and that's a good basic starting point.
My favourite class is Writing for Publications. I tried for 3 semesters to get into this class (it's only offered in one session per sememster... so 30 lucky people get to take the class each semester and I FINALLY got to be one of them!) and I am finally here and loving every minute of it! When I leave the class at night I leave feeling like I CAN DO THIS!!! I am a writer and eventually it will happen.
There are so many times I get discouraged and I know a LOT of it is my lack of motivation because of the situation I am in right now, but this class really energizes me and fires me up for writing and I am so glad I took it. I KNOW I can do it and I have seen that more since I started this class then ever before. It's just discipline right now, discipline and discouragement that is holding me back!
well that and a ton of homework. LOL.
In December I'll graduate with my transferable AA, with English and Writing as my emphasis.
I want to go to the local UNI then (GRAND VALLEY STATE UNIVERSITY) I haven't decided if I want to go in January or take the winter and summer semesters off and start up next fall... but I'd better make up my mind SOON!
well, I'm off to do more homework.
help.... i'm drowning.
LOL.

Thursday, September 4, 2008

I feel like rain today.....

I had to shut my window because the rain was coming in.
Big fat cold heavy drops.
Hurry shut the window,
My books might get wet.
The words would smear together making a big mass of letters,
uncomprehensible yet pretty
in a way that only words can be.
And rain makes books smell funny,
like grandma's basement
or the garage that's been submerged too many times
from the river coming up.
September rain
is so much colder
than July rain.
Cold and heavy
like autumn bearing down
brown and gold
instead of green and blue
like rain really should be.
I don't like the rain
when it's cold and heavy
it reminds me too much of snow
and what is yet to come
as the dark unknown chill of winter
waits in the air
just around the corner
seeping into my nights
and before you know it frost will be
spilling over the flowers
that used to wake me in the morning
with their fresh scent.
I had to shut my window because the rain was coming in.
It made me so cold.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Mental Illness....

I am talking about mental illness because I have 2 teenagers with mental illness... my oldest daughter and my son are both bipolar and my son also has obsessive compulsive disorder. The teen years are especially turbulant for those with bipolar because the mix of the disease and teenage hormones makes life almost unbearable.... Not just for the teen themselves, but for all those who have the unfortunate experience of being around them when something doesn't go quite right. As a parent of two bipolar teens, this makes my life at times quite formidable. I can't tell you the number of times recently that I have just wanted to get into the car and drive away and never come back. Never look back. Never turn back. It's painful and frustrating.

Some friends and I were talking about mental illness and studies about it. Some studies suggest it might be hereditary while others say it shows no pattern. This got me looking on my ancestry and what it all included. Could it be hereditary?

I do have a brother who is schizophrenic, but they believe his was caused from excessive drug use. I wouldn't doubt it, either, as he has been "on" everything from alcohol to heroin, to marjuana, to who knows what. I can't recall many times in my life where I have seen him where he wasn't high on something.

My great grandmother and an uncle both died in mental institutions, though I don't have full records of what they were there for. Sometimes mom says my great grandmother was there because she went crazy from having so many children. LOL. Insanity is hereditary.... you get it from your children!! (tell me about it... I'm well on my way.)

My mom has "something", too, although she has never seen a psychiatrist and/or been properly diagnosed. She is all "there" otherwise mentally.... her mind is as sharp as a tack, which for her age is pretty rare. (she is almost 80) But she is a VERY paranoid and selfish person. She is constantly obsessed with the idea that people are trying to steal things from her. It is beyond the normal rational fear of protecting your own property. She always swears someone has a key to her house and sneaks in while she is sleeping and steals her food!
Sometimes she calls me up and has me drive down to her house, because she swears she hears "someone in the basement stealing my antiques."
She has even accused the neighbors of hooking their telephone up to her box to make phone calls, or hooking their hose up to her faucet to steal water!!
My and my husband and children have even been accused on several occasions of stealing from her! It's beyond ludicrous at times, and so frustrating.
It has even gone to where there were times where I have been estranged from her for over 6 months. When it's me I just brush it off... I know I didn't do it and she can't hurt my feelings by accusing me. But when she does it, she is NOT nice about it at all, the screaming and ranting and raving and on it goes... and so when she starts accusing the children and makes them all upset being accused of something they didn't do, well obviously, we leave.
Don't mess with my kids. That's sacred territory. It's even worse when she accuses one of the bipolar ones... then I have two messes to clean up.

I don't return to see my mother until she calls and apologizes...
which usually happens after she figures out where she misplaced the item she accused someone of stealing. (or sometimes it just happens when she can't stand being alone anymore)
It's sad because there are so few of my relatives now who will even visit her at all.
They all got sick of being accused of taking her stuff. They all don't realize this is a mental illness and just think she is a heartless bitch!

I don't think her illness ends there... her other endearing quality, which I also believe is driven by some form of a mental disorder, is that she is also very possesive of the stuff she has there in front of her. (see line above about heartless bitch) She is very, very stingy and selfish. She might have 3 gallons of orange juice in her fridge, but NO you can't have any, it's HERS and she is going to keep it, probably until it SPOILS rotten, but you, my friend, you aren't having one damn glass!!!! She hoards large quantities of things but will not share them. Like I said, it's beyond normal. It might have come from living through the great depression and not getting enough to eat (many of her freakouts are very food oriented, and she is a morbidly obese woman) or not having enough of anything, but still. I grew up with that my whole life and I totally can not stand selfishness. Everything I have, God gave it to me, and not to play pig with it, but to share it. I try to share freely of every single thing he gave me. (except my man, obviously. LOL) And so there is a war going on inside my head over this thing. One side of me says "it's just a mental illness" and "she's not a terrible person" but the other person can't get over the selfishness of it all.

Ok, back to the herditary threads of mental illness....

I have had an episode of depression myself in the past...

It began in 2001. The year my youngest little beauty was 2, and everything seemed to happen at once....
It started with 9/11, which gave me incredibly terrible nightmares.... nightmares of dead bony bodies running away from huge red bombs. Nightmares of concentration camp looking figures sinking into the earth, but reaching out to grab me yelling "HELP ME! HELP ME!" in terrible screeching voices. But how can I help them?? My nightmares were all in red... blood... gore... I still shudder when I think about them. And then my husband got terribly sick. It was symptoms like malaria, shivering and then sweating and then shivering again, but they did not know what it was. He was hospitalized for over a week. I felt like a single parent. It was hard explaining his illness to the children when no one even knew what it was or what caused it. And then there were the questions, "is daddy going to die?" How do you tell the truth when you don't know yourself?? All you can do is pray. Then he finally got better. "Mosquito borne illness" was all they could call it. And we breathed a sigh of relief for a few weeks. And then the ultimate terror... the nightmare above all nightmares that every parent fears... my youngest got terribly sick, and had to go through several surgeries. When you read those papers about all the risks involved with surgery, and it's your precious cherished little soul laying there that they are talking about, that just does something to every fiber of your being. Everytime they put her under I prayed for God to take me instead because I swore she would not come out of it. She was and still is the apple of my eye and I can't imagine life without her.

There was also a lot of smaller stuff interstrewn within all those terrible big stresses. And small stuff makes hard stuff even more unbearable. I broke down at my yearly exam with my doctor and she realized how hard life was for me and I wasn't coping well. I was on antidepresants for about 2 years after that, but eventually I found that exercise made me feel even better than the antidepressants, and so I gradually stopped taking them. I haven't needed them since, although I don't exercise nearly enough as I should.

That said, I don't know of anyone on my side of the family that had bi-polar illness.
On the other side though, there could be someone in my hubby's family... that is something we will never know...
they just don't talk about those sort of things in his family....
everything (and I mean EVERYTHING) is hidden and secret and hush hush, and probably if you could open the closets over there, there'd be more bones than a cemetary. LOL.

Later I'll talk more about the stigma involved with mental illness. It's really been bugging me A LOT lately, because I have been having so much trouble getting help for my kids.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

It's just mind boggling how time flies....

My youngest daughter recently said she found a "really old penny" and then proceeded to show me her treasure... a 1972 penny. REALLY OLD????

Yeah, she sure made me FEEL really old by saying that.

Wasn't it just yesterday I was bounding through fields of green weeds taller than I was? I can still smell the fresh green stalks as I dashed through.... still feel their crackle under my feet and the rush of the blades as they scraped by my face. I can still hear the swishing noise, as I raced through, reminding me of some wild beast traipsing through the wilderness.

Wasn't it just yesterday I stood at the beach waiting for wave after wave to knock me down into the cold frothy surf?

Wasn't it just yesterday I was returning on an airplane from countries abroad, with armloads gifts for everyone?

It feels like it was just yesterday.

But I haven't traveled to a foreign country since 1990.
and I was probably 8 or 9 the last time I ran through the fields.
(anyway, they've been gone many years now.... lost forever to a condo development)
And waiting for the waves to knock me over gave way to waiting for the water to be warm enough to even enter in the first place, and then waiting for waves to carry my surfboard into the curl of the wave, on a wild ride I so dearly love.

My daughter turned 9 today.
That time has passed so quickly.
She was the sweetest angel as a baby and every year she grows more beautiful and more independant. She is the apple of my eye.
I'm raising her to be a confident, kind and caring, but very independant young woman.
I am trying to make sure I savor each and every day I spend with her.
Remembering the moments and enjoying each and every one of them.
I want to give her what I never had.
And all the things I had to find on my own.
But I want her to find things on her own as well. Learn to learn. Learn to grow. Learn to fight for what she believes in and for what is right.
So far so good.
But it's really mind boggling just how fast time really flies by....

Monday, August 25, 2008

The little things mean the most......

One thing I sat back and realized today, is that over the past year I have learned to appreciate things a LOT more than I used to.

I think back to all the days I feel like now were wasted..... so many over the past few years, because I was sitting here in front of this computer, or just sitting around the house, depressed, worried and worn out.

I was missing out on a lot of the world.... I don't want to do that anymore....
I spent way too much energy on something (and someone) that didn't need it, and although I can't take it back or change it, I can make it a point to live differently every day, from this day forward.

Maybe also it was because the days... they were all the same... the days just ran together like colors turning to black. Falling into a hole. Depression turning away. Anger. Cold. Bitter.
But now, now I have decided to LIVE. I have decided not to worry about things I can not change, and not to let them affect the rest of my life and those who I love.

I want to savor every single day. I want every second to last longer. I want to see, smell, taste and touch every moment. I want to do everything I can to keep them from slipping away.... I want to really LIVE every single second.

Today I took my daughter fishing... it was wonderful...
the sunshine was hanging in the sky, along with a few marshmallow puff clouds.
It was not too hot, not too cold.
The smell of the lake drifted in on a cool breeze, crispy and fresh like clean sheets.
The water rippled in the lake, and boats of all sizes buzzed up and down the channel like a busy highway.
The world was so bright, and my daughter is so inquisitive and appreciative of every last bit of it, and I was there enjoying every single second of it beside her. I didn't have a camera along but I was capturing those seconds in my memory and I hope they will stay there forever.

Sometimes we don't appreciate the little things enough. Sometimes we don't realize how wonderful they are until they are gone. I don't want to lose these precious moments sharing nature and time with my baby. Before I know it she'll be grown and gone and I don't want to spend those days wishing I had done this or that with her.... Instead I'd rather spend them remembering all the fun times we had, all the things we did, and also planning to do them all again with her children.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

I got this little note in my email a while back and I just love the message....
I have no clue who wrote it but it's worth reading, taking to heart, and saving to read again later...

Too many people put off something that brings them joy, just because they haven't thought about it, don't have it on their schedule, didn't know it was coming or are too rigid to depart from their routine.


I got to thinking one day about all those women on the Titanic who passed up dessert at dinner that fateful night in an effort to cut back. From then on, I've tried to be a little more flexible.

How many women out there will eat at home because their husband didn't suggest going out to dinner until after something had been thawed? Does the word "refrigeration" mean nothing to you?


How often have your kids dropped in to talk and sat in silence while you watched 'Jeopardy' on television?


I cannot count the times I called my sister and said, "How about going to lunch in a half hour?" She would gas up and stammer, "I can't. I have clothes on the line. My hair is dirty. I wish I had known yesterday, I had a late breakfast, It looks like rain." And my personal favorite: "It's Monday." ...She died a few years ago. We never did have lunch together.


Because Americans cram so much into their lives, we tend to schedule our headaches.. We live on a sparse diet of promises we make to ourselves when all the conditions are perfect!


We'll go back and visit the grandparents when we get Stevie toilet-trained.


We'll entertain when we replace the living-room carpet.


We'll go on a second honeymoon when we get two more kids out of college.


Life has a way of accelerating as we get older. The days get shorter, and the list of promises to ourselves gets longer. One morning, we awaken, and all we have to show for our lives is a litany of "I'm going to," "I plan on," and "Someday, when things are settled down a bit."


When anyone calls my 'seize the moment' friend, she is open to adventure and available for trips. She keeps an open mind on new ideas. Her enthusiasm for life is contagious. You talk with her for five minutes, and you're ready to trade your bad feet for a pair of Rollerblades and skip an elevator for a bungee cord.


My lips have not touched ice cream in 10 years. I love ice cream. It's just that I might as well apply it directly to my stomach with a spatula and eliminate the digestive process. The other day, I stopped the car and bought a triple-decker. If my car had hit an iceberg on the way home, I would have died happy.


Now...go on and have a nice day.

Do something you WANT to......not something on your SHOULD DO list.


If you were going to die soon and had only one phone call you could make, who would you call and what would you say? And why are you waiting?


Have you ever watched kids playing on a merry go round or listened to the rain lapping on the ground?


Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight or gazed at the sun into the fading night?


Do you run through each day on the fly?


When you ask "How are you?" Do you even bother to hear the reply?


When the day is done, do you lie in your bed with the next hundred chores running through your head?


Have you ever told your child, "We'll do it tomorrow." And in your haste, not see his sorrow?


Ever lost touch? Let a good friendship die?


Just call to say "Hi"?


When you worry and hurry through your day, it is like an unopened gift....Thrown away...


Life is not a race. Take it slower. Hear the music before the song is over.


**********************************************************************

One of the things that brings me happiness is my flower garden... it's not the biggest or best garden in the world but it really does bring me a lot of happiness to look out and see the flowers.

One of my favourites is my morning glories growing all over the fence...

They only last one season and then I have to replant them again next spring, but they are well worth the time when you see how beautiful they bloom.

Friday, August 15, 2008

It's supposed to be mostly sunny today

So why is it so darned cloudy?
The weather sure knows how to haunt my moods and hold me captive.
I hope I can find some inspiration somewhere.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Half full? half empty? half finished?

Somedays I feel like I am staring at a blank piece of paper and nothing will fill it.

Other days I am overflowing with things to say but I can't get online to type them out here to say them. They fill my head, overflow into my thoughts and disrupt everything that means anything. I've been quite gifted when I didn't get the chance to show it!

Today the slate is blank and I don't even have the energy to find some colors for it.
If I could, if I had the energy and time, I'd find a paintbrush and just start blobbing. Usually when that happens, it turns into some sort of wonderful masterpiece that you never fathomed you had inside you. But not today. No paintbrushes for me.

I have to be up and ready to take on the world, out the door by 4:25 am.
I never thought I'd say this but I actually like it when I can go to work that early!! Most days, by the time I actually wake up (9 or 10am) my workday is nearly finished it's almost time to go home!

Now if I could pick, if it were MY choice, I wouldn't even have to get up and go anywhere at all. Work would consist of trudging to the kitchen in my worn out pj's for my hot cup of coffee, and then plopping down here on the keyboard and plunking away for a few hours, coming up with something so incredibly brilliant that the entire world would be waiting impatiently for me to hit the "send" key so they could read my amazing spiel.

I don't know if I'll ever get that good, but I damn well am going to try!

You know your life is complicated when.....

you can't even remember which email address you used to sign up for your blog!
and once you finally do figure out address, you can't remember which password you used!
Geez, you'd think I was loosing my mind.

I worked twice yesterday; early early morning and then last night until after midnight, and have had probably about 4-4 1/2 hours of sleep in the last 2 nights, so my mind is not all here, obviously. I am not sleeping well with his new job being 3rd shift. I keep waking up wondering if someone is sneaking in a window, coming to rob us, coming to get the kids, etc.
I didn't think I'd worry like that with the dogs here, but then I heard a story about someone who had dogs for protection and the evil person who came to get them brought the dogs poisoned Tbone steaks. Your mind does very strange things when you are sleep deprived. LOL.

Today I don't even have any profound writing to share.
It's strange there are times I could get on here and write for hours and others I can't think of a word to say.
I'll look for some inspiration and hopefully get back on tonight with some wonderous masterpiece to share with everybody. (I know it's in there, it has to come out sometime, right??????)

Friday, August 8, 2008

Ok, so I didn't come online and write yesterday.
There are also about 500 emails in my inbox because I didn't come online and read yesterday.

But I have a good excuse!!!
I was busy getting sunburned!

It was a gorgeous sunny day so Jessica and I took the inflatable raft out onto Long Lake for the first time ever, to go fishing.
Man do my muscles hurt from rowing that darn thing, especially my abs... guess I am gonna get myself a 6-pack huh? ROFLMAO.
I got myself a nice little sunburn going on, as Erica had taken the sunscreen to Cedar Point with her and still had it in her purse (which I didn't realize until we were actually ready to go out on the raft or I would have brought something else.) I hate sunburns... they make your whole entire body feel like crap.

So anyway, we went fishing out there.... at first they weren't biting but then Jessica got a BIG bite and ended up with me having to help pull her line out of the water with a nice sized (around 14 to 15 inches) bass attached to the end!!! It was the biggest fish she has ever caught and she was quite excited about it.

Ok, so now I am home from the beach today (yes we went today too) and I'm exhausted!
I will write more tomorrow.

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

forgot to add

today's weather... cloudy and almost 80°.
I hate clouds.

I have PMDD and a handgun, any questions????




Ok, so sometimes he doesn't listen to me.
and it frustrates me to no end. Yes I am PISSED OFF.
There is no way to explain how infuriated I get about it.

It also makes me want to distance myself from him.
How can I love him when I get so mad at him?
I know marriage has it's ups and downs but right now it seems like all down.

Ok, so this is really the wrong time of month to even be thinking about these sort of things, with my hormones bouncing off the walls like bullets ricocheting off metal, but damn the frustration is killing me.

I know a lot of this mess is due to the fact that he hasn't worked in almost a year. He's here, 24-7, driving me nuts. Not only that, but he really really sucks as a housekeeper, he can't cook, he can't clean, and I'm not here to do all those things anymore....

Okay, so it's true, a lot of this also has to do with the fact that I have been working at this job I can not stand, for over a year now. I thought this work thing was just temporary, until he found something, but it doesn't look that way. I feel so stuck... like I'm being held underwater and I can't come up for air... I can't breathe. It's smothering me. The work itself isn't so bad, but I really wasn't meant for a job where you have to wear a uniform and you punch in and have no clue what time you are going to be punching out.

If I could just sit here and write all day that would be fantastic. I wish it were that easy.

So he still makes lots of messes like he did before. But I was here to clean them up.
He's here but he doesn't clean up much of anything. So the messes are still here.
I hate messes.

Ok, he does the laundry. I'll give him that.
He's very darn good at loading those clothes in the washer, adding some soap and turning it on.
And then putting them in the dryer when they are done.
and he's working on his folding... still has a ways to go but he's working on it.

It all looks silly when I write it out.
But that's all the outside stuff, not the listening part.
That part isn't silly.

It's much much worse than all the housekeeping stuff.
I can live with the housekeeping stuff... if he would just LISTEN to me for once...
be honest and really listen....
But he doesn't get it.

I think this is how our conversations go... or at least what HE hears of them...

Me:"blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah. Blah blah. Blah blah blah blah blah. Blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah?"

Him: "sure honey, whatever you want"

Me: "Blah blah blah blah. Blah blah blah blah blah. Blah blah. Blah blah blah, blah blah?"

Him: "Oh yeah, I'll do that... I'm sure I'll have time tomorrow to do it."

Me: "blah blah, blah blah blah. Blah blah."

Him: "No I won't forget... I know it's important."

*****************************************************************

Meanwhile, this is how the conversation really went and what he missed:

Me: "The doorway is half done and it looks funny... I really want to finish the job we started a few months ago... I don't have to work this weekend... do you think you could get the trim boards for the door and we could finish putting it up this weekend?

Him: "sure honey, whatever you want"

Me: "The kitchen floor is looking really grungy. There is leftovers all over the table. I don't think the table has been scrubbed in a few weeks. Do you think you could clean off the table and mop tomorrow?"

Him: "Oh Yeah, I'll do that.... I'm sure I'll have plenty of time tomorrow to do it."

Me: Make sure you pay the house payment, too. It's due tomorrow and I don't want us to get any late fees or extra interest owed."

Him: "No I won't forget... I know it's important."


And so I come home late Friday afternoon after a very long day at work. The house is TOTALLY TRASHED. Food on the floors, food on the table, a sink full of dirty dishes, and a dishwasher, also packed to the hilt with dirty dishes. There is no milk. The kids are hungry. The living room is in shambles. There are no boards to work on the doors tomorrow, and the house payment has not been paid. (which means we have to wait until Monday because the bank doesn't do them on weekends) I ask him about the boards, the floors, the payment, about all we talked about, and he says he doesn't even remember our conversation.
HE DOESN'T REMEMBER???

Try NOT LISTENING.... that is plain and simple all it was.

BE HONEST ABOUT IT....

I could deal with a
"I DID NOT LISTEN TO A DAMNED WORD YOU SAID, HONEY!!!"

But he won't be honest about it.
Instead......

Just try to fake it instead. Maybe I won't notice?
"I dont' remember."
"I forgot you said that."
"That's not how I heard it"
"Is that what we were talking about?"
"Oh, now I remember." (still trying to fake it)
"I won't let it happen again" (until next time)
It's so damned frustrating.
Okay, it did feel good to get that all out.
I know things are a zillion times worse when you have PMDD (at least that is what my doctor said). But I feel like I'm going insane.
I feel like bawling my eyes out. (or clawing his out!)
I feel like getting in the car and leaving and not coming back. (have even considered doing it a few times but won't because of my kids)
I feel like quitting my job and letting the pieces fall by the way side (but won't because again like above.... my kids.)
I know I'll make it through... one day at a time...
Ok, where'd I set that handgun??
(LOL)

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

So I am out of work for the day.
It's 87° out. The sun is shining, the sky is cloudless. It's humid and sticky. It's perfect!

I am wearing my favourite Tshirt with the sleeves rolled up,
(like they did in the 80's, but I don't smoke so I don't have a pack of smokes rolled into mine.)
my favourite cut offs, and a blue do-rag on my head.

I am flying down the dusty backroads at 70mph, with the windows rolled down, enjoying every single second of this gorgeous hot August day.

This is what I live for.
The dust, the breeze, the feeling of the wheel in my hands.
The smell of fresh cut grass. Tigerlillies alongside the road.

This, to me, must be as close to heaven as we can get here on earth.
Then I think to myself, about the only thing that would make it better is blueberries.
Cold frozen sweet blueberries, that melt in your mouth.

I don't have any blueberries at the moment, but still.... this is my own little glimpse of heaven.

It gets even better as I drive past a house having a bonfire...
reminds me of camping and s'mores and roasting weenies.

This is summer and it's everything I love.
I try to capture and imprint every second on my mind and in my heart.
I know winter will be here too soon, with it's cold icy whiteness that leaves me feeling bone dead.
So I close my eyes and soak in summer...

somewhere to turn

I've had so many ideas flowing in my head, just bursting to get out into the world...
that's how things happen... an idea turns into SOMETHING wonderful.
So then I come to the computer and I don't know where to put them...
and my ideas, not noted, drift away like the sand.
So here's hoping the inspiration continues inside me, and I can have the discipline and courage to post them here.

I really need to discipline myself to get into the habit of writing everyday.
Even if it's just a paragraph. That is important to me.
I can't let this get away... it's everything I am, the very being inside me...
It's an ache, a bright light, a legend, an opportunity...
It's my life.