the future seems so.....

Today wasn't really too bad until nighttime when it was time to go home. I held my tongue at the inlaws. At what point does it become OK for someone who has not raised a child to tell me how to raise mine???
I bit my tongue and let it slide.
If she had pressed it I would have left.
While I have finally found enough of myself to stick up for myself, I also believe there are times when it's okay to let it slide for the sake of my kids and this was one of those times.
so like I said, life really wasn't all that bad until tonight when we left my moms house....

While packing the leftovers in the back of the van, my son had a TOTAL MELTDOWN that involved the whole family as it almost always does. They are not as often as they use to be, but doesn't mean the things he says and does don't hurt people.

Honestly, I really don't care how it makes me feel... I can deal..... This too shall pass.... but seeing what it does to his sisters that just kills me inside.

My husband just ignores all this.
It seems now that it's OKAY with him if this kid makes our life hell. It's okay no matter what he does.... he can do no wrong.
It doesn't matter what he does, my husband continues to reward him.
If I try to impose a punishment he doesn't follow through with it on his side of things, so basically it has become POINTLESS.

I can't do this by myself. I never wanted to be a single parent.
I did all the right things... I waited to have kids... and now this???

I don't know if it's because he feels guilty that he doesn't get the time to spend with the kids anymore, or what, but this is the one time in my life when I really WISH I had someone to fall back on for support. A place to land. Someone to be THERE FOR ME. I need that so bad and I don't have it.

He doesn't seem to care anymore at all that our relationship is falling apart because of all this either. The lack of support I guess that is killing me worse than the bipolar problems at this point. What a mess.

There are some times where I am just ready to pack my crap and go, and tonight is one of those times. At this point I am here for the other kids and that is about it. THE ONLY REASON. Sad but true.

I just keep telling myself it won't be this way forever.
But if we continue to grow apart like this, there will come a time where I just won't be able to stay here anymore. I don't want to live the rest of my life feeling like this. If it comes down to that I'll be gone...

It's hard to say that.
Hard to think that.

We had all these plans and dreams for the future.
They just don't sound exciting anymore.
No, that's not right.
They do sound exciting.
But at this point I don't want to do them with HIM.
I just keep thinking about not having the support from him and how painful that is.
I don't want to feel that way forever.

****************************************

just haven't written in awhile...

been so bogged down with homework.

One month until I graduate...

I can't wait!!

It will be nice to have some free time to play with my toys.

Today
I got one of the worst headaches I have ever had in my LIFE!
No, yanno, it WAS the worst... EVER!
It was excruciating.

I was in a store this morning, and I had bent down to look at something,
when I got up I got that dizzy feeling you sometimes get when you get up too fast....
but then that was replaced
by what they call an "aura"
flashing lights floating and twirling and racing in front of my eyes.
My arms and legs felt tingly like they'd fallen asleep
I just was NOT right.
I don't know what to think.
Am I sick with something and I don't know it?
I guess it could have been the weather...
the sharp change from warm to ice cold. (it was snowing here this morning!)
Maybe my blood pressure was lower than normal today?
The barometric pressure in the air?
I don't know what but it was awful.
We had to leave the place we were shopping...
I was afraid I wouldn't be able to see well enough to drive.
The pain didn't actually start until I got home...
I've done everything I could today to make it go away,
4 motrin twice now,
3 excedrin migrane twice now,
Kevin gave me a massage,
Katie walked on my back,
I lay under the OTT light (replacement for sunshine)
I listen to the ocean on my ocean sounds disc,
I slept with the electric blanket on high
and a hot pack on my neck....
but still it's there.... lurking under the surface...
I still feel it on the top right side of my brain.
In a few I'll take some MOTRIN PM, which should throughly knock me out
and hopefully knock this headache out
so it's not here when I get up in the morning.
I sure hope it works.

I feel like the whole day was wasted....
I had so much I had planned to do today....
time going down the drain...
gone...
I hate that worse than anything...
you can not get it back.

and I am still numb

It has been 24 hours and I still feel numb inside.
I felt sick all day today, just terrible sick.
I cannot with good conscience call that man my president.
Every day I find something more to be afraid of.
But I must cast my fear aside, get ready for a better fight, and put it all in God's hands.

I found a good site to read... this guy at least kind of cheers me up...
https://drslogan.wordpress.com/
he's a smart guy and makes me feel that life can go on.

John McCain is still my hero, and always will be.
Someday I'd love to go to AZ again and meet him.
I had a friend who did once and I just hung on her every word.
He has the integrity I wish everyone did.
Anyone who listens to his campaign concession speech from last night can tell that he loves his country with all his heart, his soul... with every bit of his being.
I wish we could say the man who was voted into the presidency did, but it's not so.

One thing I have learned is to continue to stand up for what I believe in, NO MATTER WHAT.
In the past few months I have been surrounded by idiots, thrown into a lion's den and marched over. Going to a liberal college does not make life easier. But I made it through and only because I stood strong for my beliefs and didn't let the crazy world shoot them down.

In the end integrity shall rule.
John McCain you are the real hero here regardless of what the world thinks.
Regardless of the fact that they invited some pretty boy to be their leader.
You have the spirit of a true leader and you have and will continue to use that spirit to do great things.
Thank you for all you have done and for all I know you will continue to do, for this wonderful country the United State of America.

Here is the script of John's heartfelt speech:

MCCAIN: Thank you. Thank you, my friends. Thank you for coming here on this beautiful Arizona evening. My friends, we have — we have come to the end of a long journey. The American people have spoken, and they have spoken clearly. A little while ago, I had the honor of calling Senator Barack Obama to congratulate him.

Please.
To congratulate him on being elected the next president of the country that we both love.

In a contest as long and difficult as this campaign has been, his success alone commands my respect for his ability and perseverance. But that he managed to do so by inspiring the hopes of so many millions of Americans who had once wrongly believed that they had little at stake or little influence in the election of an American president is something I deeply admire and commend him for achieving.
This is an historic election, and I recognize the special significance it has for African-Americans and for the special pride that must be theirs tonight. I've always believed that America offers opportunities to all who have the industry and will to seize it. Senator Obama believes that, too.
But we both recognize that, though we have come a long way from the old injustices that once stained our nation's reputation and denied some Americans the full blessings of American citizenship, the memory of them still had the power to wound.
A century ago, President Theodore Roosevelt's invitation of Booker T. Washington to dine at the White House was taken as an outrage in many quarters. America today is a world away from the cruel and frightful bigotry of that time. There is no better evidence of this than the election of an African-American to the presidency of the United States.Let there be no reason now ...

Let there be no reason now for any American to fail to cherish their citizenship in this, the greatest nation on Earth.


Senator Obama has achieved a great thing for himself and for his country. I applaud him for it, and offer him my sincere sympathy that his beloved grandmother did not live to see this day. Though our faith assures us she is at rest in the presence of her creator and so very proud of the good man she helped raise.
Senator Obama and I have had, and argued our differences, and he has prevailed. No doubt many of those differences remain. These are difficult times for our country. And I pledge to him tonight to do all in my power to help him lead us through the many challenges we face.
I urge all Americans

I urge all Americans who supported me to join me in not just congratulating him, but offering our next president our good will and earnest effort to find ways to come together to find the necessary compromises to bridge our differences and help restore our prosperity, defend our security in a dangerous world, and leave our children and grandchildren a stronger, better country than we inherited.
Whatever our differences, we are fellow Americans. And please believe me when I say no association has ever meant more to me than that.

It is natural. It's natural, tonight, to feel some disappointment. But tomorrow, we must move beyond it and work together to get our country moving again.
We fought — we fought as hard as we could. And though we feel short, the failure is mine, not yours.
AUDIENCE: No!
MCCAIN: I am so...
AUDIENCE:
MCCAIN: I am so deeply grateful to all of you for the great honor of your support and for all you have done for me. I wish the outcome had been different, my friends.
AUDIENCE MEMBER: We do, too (OFF-MIKE)
MCCAIN: The road was a difficult one from the outset, but your support and friendship never wavered. I cannot adequately express how deeply indebted I am to you.
I'm especially grateful to my wife, Cindy, my children, my dear mother ... my dear mother and all my family, and to the many old and dear friends who have stood by my side through the many ups and downs of this long campaign.
I have always been a fortunate man, and never more so for the love and encouragement you have given me. You know, campaigns are often harder on a candidate's family than on the candidate, and that's been true in this campaign.
All I can offer in compensation is my love and gratitude and the promise of more peaceful years ahead.
I am also — I am also, of course, very thankful to Governor Sarah Palin, one of the best campaigners I've ever seen...

One of the best campaigners I have ever seen, and an impressive new voice in our party for reform and the principles that have always been our greatest strength ... her husband Todd and their five beautiful children ... for their tireless dedication to our cause, and the courage and grace they showed in the rough and tumble of a presidential campaign.
We can all look forward with great interest to her future service to Alaska, the Republican Party and our country.

To all my campaign comrades, from Rick Davis and Steve Schmidt and Mark Salter, to every last volunteer who fought so hard and valiantly, month after month, in what at times seemed to be the most challenged campaign in modern times, thank you so much. A lost election will never mean more to me than the privilege of your faith and friendship.
I don't know — I don't know what more we could have done to try to win this election. I'll leave that to others to determine. Every candidate makes mistakes, and I'm sure I made my share of ‘em. But I won't spend a moment of the future regretting what might have been.
This campaign was and will remain the great honor of my life, and my heart is filled with nothing but gratitude for the experience and to the American people for giving me a fair hearing before deciding that Senator Obama and my old friend Senator Joe Biden should have the honor of leading us for the next four years.
Please. Please.
I would not — I would not be an American worthy of the name should I regret a fate that has allowed me the extraordinary privilege of serving this country for a half a century.
Today, I was a candidate for the highest office in the country I love so much. And tonight, I remain her servant. That is blessing enough for anyone, and I thank the people of Arizona for it.

MCCAIN: Tonight — tonight, more than any night, I hold in my heart nothing but love for this country and for all its citizens, whether they supported me or Senator Obama — whether they supported me or Senator Obama.
I wish Godspeed to the man who was my former opponent and will be my president. And I call on all Americans, as I have often in this campaign, to not despair of our present difficulties, but to believe, always, in the promise and greatness of America, because nothing is inevitable here.
Americans never quit. We never surrender.
We never hide from history. We make history.
Thank you, and God bless you, and God bless America. Thank you all very much

I'm sick to my stomach, and I feel like I want to throw up.
I mean I am literally physically ill.
I NEVER thought I'd see this day happen.

God, Lord, please help us all.

The state I live in is making it legal to smoke marijuana, and to take live human embryos and clone them, and in our great nation, a radical left wing unpatriotic beast is becoming the president.

I will be praying the end of times comes soon, because the pain that will be inflicted upon this country with this new regime will be great and hard to bear. It would be better the world would end, then to become completely a modern day Sodom and Gomorrah, which is what is about to happen. When a man can OPENLY issue an obscence gesture at his running mate, and still get enough votes to become the president, you know that the morals here have broken down to such a point there is not even any respect left. All integrity has passed. Our great nation is being handed openly to the terrorists.
I tried to do my part but 'tis a loosing battle. I have no hope for the future now, unless someone can stop this nonsense.
Dear Lord help us all... everything else has failed.

What makes a hero?

Somebody asked that somewhere recently and it got me to thinking what makes my heros my heros?
I think a big part of it is selflessness. Someone who did something for someone else, that they didn't HAVE to do or weren't forced to do. No one MADE them do it... they did it out of the goodness of their heart, many times without even thinking about it, because that is just the kind of person they are... selfless, giving, open, fair....
But not just ONE thing... they live their whole lives like that.... so making that choice is just their nature. It's not a decision, just a way of life.

Another is openess. Willing to listen to all the opinions and factors and THEN make up their mind, instead of only hearing one side and deciding that is what they have to believe in. I love someone who will listen to all sides of an issue and then decide what is right for the good of all.
Someone willing to compromise, to make things better for all involved. Sort of like a bridge between two sides. Maybe a peace maker. Or at least one who TRIES to make peace.

Also someone NON prejudiced. Someone who knows we all bleed the same color. We are all capable of possessing that higher level of intellegence if we want to.
to be continued....

sometimes I think

I should have just stayed in bed all day.
Yeah I had one of those days...
work went OVER what it was supposed to.
Usually when they have the job written as 3 hours it takes 2 or less....
today it took over 4.
So didn't make it to the special store I wanted to go to,
didn't get to spend ANY time at the church bazzaar.
(it was closed already by the time I got there)
Then I get there and things just aren't going well.
So I think, Ok, I'll go to Kmart, get my double coupon shopping done.
So I'm there over an hour, then the computer won't work right and they don't want to give me the proper credit for double coupons.
I was SO MAD. I told the lady "give me my coupons back and you can keep your stuff"
and I left.
I won't EVER shop at Kmart again. They can keep their crap.
Things just got worse from there...
Katie was misbehaving and we lost her a few times in the store.
I think next time I need a dog leash for her.
(NO I AM NOT KIDDING.... )
It was one of those days when I should have just stayed home in bed.
ALL day.
It would have been a lot better than the day I had.
All I can say is
tomorrow will be better.
IT HAS TO BE.

It's NOVEMBER already?

Time flies fast.

The trees are all changed to crimson, gold, marron and brown.

Although we have been blessed with a few unseasonably warm days, the nights are all frosty and frigid and I need the electric blanket, if just to warm the bed before I go in.

Wasn't it just yesterday I was walking the sands of PJ Hoffmaster, listening to the singing sand beneath my feet?

That day I got the board out because there were actually some waves was like total magic. There is no feeling like riding a wave. I lose myself in that... there are no more problems, no more worry... just me and the wave.

But all I have left is the hope that I can go again next year.

I don't take winter well. At all. The cold invades my bones and chills every single ounce of my being. It's like I have no defense. No way to get warm.

I pile the bed with blankets and pile myself with longjohns, sweaters, sweatshirts and down jackets. To no avail. I am still cold. Nothing makes me warm but the appearence of the summer sun and it's radiant heat.

When it's 95° and people are complaining their lips off, I am just comfortable.

I don't know why but I have always been that way.

Momma said Daddy was like that too.

He wore flannel shirts all summer so he wouldn't get cold. It had to be 85° outside before he'd take us to the lake for a swim. In the winter he'd sit on the furnace and sip hot coffee most of the night. He worked in the foundry all day. I don't know when he slept. I guess I got that from him too. I don't need much sleep either.

Someday I'm gonna move where it's warm.

I can't stand the time I waste hibernating, but I can't make myself move when I am cold.

I just can't do it.

I want to live where I can LIVE year around. When I can get up every day and know it's going to be a productive day. Where I don't need layer upon layer of restrictive clothing to allow me to at least function. Instead of living for a few months and spending the rest of my time freezing.

My day will come.

You'll see!