It's just mind boggling how time flies....

My youngest daughter recently said she found a "really old penny" and then proceeded to show me her treasure... a 1972 penny. REALLY OLD????

Yeah, she sure made me FEEL really old by saying that.

Wasn't it just yesterday I was bounding through fields of green weeds taller than I was? I can still smell the fresh green stalks as I dashed through.... still feel their crackle under my feet and the rush of the blades as they scraped by my face. I can still hear the swishing noise, as I raced through, reminding me of some wild beast traipsing through the wilderness.

Wasn't it just yesterday I stood at the beach waiting for wave after wave to knock me down into the cold frothy surf?

Wasn't it just yesterday I was returning on an airplane from countries abroad, with armloads gifts for everyone?

It feels like it was just yesterday.

But I haven't traveled to a foreign country since 1990.
and I was probably 8 or 9 the last time I ran through the fields.
(anyway, they've been gone many years now.... lost forever to a condo development)
And waiting for the waves to knock me over gave way to waiting for the water to be warm enough to even enter in the first place, and then waiting for waves to carry my surfboard into the curl of the wave, on a wild ride I so dearly love.

My daughter turned 9 today.
That time has passed so quickly.
She was the sweetest angel as a baby and every year she grows more beautiful and more independant. She is the apple of my eye.
I'm raising her to be a confident, kind and caring, but very independant young woman.
I am trying to make sure I savor each and every day I spend with her.
Remembering the moments and enjoying each and every one of them.
I want to give her what I never had.
And all the things I had to find on my own.
But I want her to find things on her own as well. Learn to learn. Learn to grow. Learn to fight for what she believes in and for what is right.
So far so good.
But it's really mind boggling just how fast time really flies by....

The little things mean the most......

One thing I sat back and realized today, is that over the past year I have learned to appreciate things a LOT more than I used to.

I think back to all the days I feel like now were wasted..... so many over the past few years, because I was sitting here in front of this computer, or just sitting around the house, depressed, worried and worn out.

I was missing out on a lot of the world.... I don't want to do that anymore....
I spent way too much energy on something (and someone) that didn't need it, and although I can't take it back or change it, I can make it a point to live differently every day, from this day forward.

Maybe also it was because the days... they were all the same... the days just ran together like colors turning to black. Falling into a hole. Depression turning away. Anger. Cold. Bitter.
But now, now I have decided to LIVE. I have decided not to worry about things I can not change, and not to let them affect the rest of my life and those who I love.

I want to savor every single day. I want every second to last longer. I want to see, smell, taste and touch every moment. I want to do everything I can to keep them from slipping away.... I want to really LIVE every single second.

Today I took my daughter fishing... it was wonderful...
the sunshine was hanging in the sky, along with a few marshmallow puff clouds.
It was not too hot, not too cold.
The smell of the lake drifted in on a cool breeze, crispy and fresh like clean sheets.
The water rippled in the lake, and boats of all sizes buzzed up and down the channel like a busy highway.
The world was so bright, and my daughter is so inquisitive and appreciative of every last bit of it, and I was there enjoying every single second of it beside her. I didn't have a camera along but I was capturing those seconds in my memory and I hope they will stay there forever.

Sometimes we don't appreciate the little things enough. Sometimes we don't realize how wonderful they are until they are gone. I don't want to lose these precious moments sharing nature and time with my baby. Before I know it she'll be grown and gone and I don't want to spend those days wishing I had done this or that with her.... Instead I'd rather spend them remembering all the fun times we had, all the things we did, and also planning to do them all again with her children.

I got this little note in my email a while back and I just love the message....

I have no clue who wrote it but it's worth reading, taking to heart, and saving to read again later...

Too many people put off something that brings them joy, just because they haven't thought about it, don't have it on their schedule, didn't know it was coming or are too rigid to depart from their routine.

I got to thinking one day about all those women on the Titanic who passed up dessert at dinner that fateful night in an effort to cut back. From then on, I've tried to be a little more flexible.

How many women out there will eat at home because their husband didn't suggest going out to dinner until after something had been thawed? Does the word "refrigeration" mean nothing to you?

How often have your kids dropped in to talk and sat in silence while you watched 'Jeopardy' on television?

I cannot count the times I called my sister and said, "How about going to lunch in a half hour?" She would gas up and stammer, "I can't. I have clothes on the line. My hair is dirty. I wish I had known yesterday, I had a late breakfast, It looks like rain." And my personal favorite: "It's Monday." ...She died a few years ago. We never did have lunch together.

Because Americans cram so much into their lives, we tend to schedule our headaches.. We live on a sparse diet of promises we make to ourselves when all the conditions are perfect!

We'll go back and visit the grandparents when we get Stevie toilet-trained.

We'll entertain when we replace the living-room carpet.

We'll go on a second honeymoon when we get two more kids out of college.

Life has a way of accelerating as we get older. The days get shorter, and the list of promises to ourselves gets longer. One morning, we awaken, and all we have to show for our lives is a litany of "I'm going to," "I plan on," and "Someday, when things are settled down a bit."

When anyone calls my 'seize the moment' friend, she is open to adventure and available for trips. She keeps an open mind on new ideas. Her enthusiasm for life is contagious. You talk with her for five minutes, and you're ready to trade your bad feet for a pair of Rollerblades and skip an elevator for a bungee cord.

My lips have not touched ice cream in 10 years. I love ice cream. It's just that I might as well apply it directly to my stomach with a spatula and eliminate the digestive process. The other day, I stopped the car and bought a triple-decker. If my car had hit an iceberg on the way home, I would have died happy.

Now...go on and have a nice day.

Do something you WANT to......not something on your SHOULD DO list.

If you were going to die soon and had only one phone call you could make, who would you call and what would you say? And why are you waiting?

Have you ever watched kids playing on a merry go round or listened to the rain lapping on the ground?

Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight or gazed at the sun into the fading night?

Do you run through each day on the fly?

When you ask "How are you?" Do you even bother to hear the reply?

When the day is done, do you lie in your bed with the next hundred chores running through your head?

Have you ever told your child, "We'll do it tomorrow." And in your haste, not see his sorrow?

Ever lost touch? Let a good friendship die?

Just call to say "Hi"?

When you worry and hurry through your day, it is like an unopened gift....Thrown away...

Life is not a race. Take it slower. Hear the music before the song is over.

**********************************************************************

One of the things that brings me happiness is my flower garden... it's not the biggest or best garden in the world but it really does bring me a lot of happiness to look out and see the flowers.

One of my favourites is my morning glories growing all over the fence...

They only last one season and then I have to replant them again next spring, but they are well worth the time when you see how beautiful they bloom.

It's supposed to be mostly sunny today

So why is it so darned cloudy?
The weather sure knows how to haunt my moods and hold me captive.
I hope I can find some inspiration somewhere.

Half full? half empty? half finished?

Somedays I feel like I am staring at a blank piece of paper and nothing will fill it.

Other days I am overflowing with things to say but I can't get online to type them out here to say them. They fill my head, overflow into my thoughts and disrupt everything that means anything. I've been quite gifted when I didn't get the chance to show it!

Today the slate is blank and I don't even have the energy to find some colors for it.
If I could, if I had the energy and time, I'd find a paintbrush and just start blobbing. Usually when that happens, it turns into some sort of wonderful masterpiece that you never fathomed you had inside you. But not today. No paintbrushes for me.

I have to be up and ready to take on the world, out the door by 4:25 am.
I never thought I'd say this but I actually like it when I can go to work that early!! Most days, by the time I actually wake up (9 or 10am) my workday is nearly finished it's almost time to go home!

Now if I could pick, if it were MY choice, I wouldn't even have to get up and go anywhere at all. Work would consist of trudging to the kitchen in my worn out pj's for my hot cup of coffee, and then plopping down here on the keyboard and plunking away for a few hours, coming up with something so incredibly brilliant that the entire world would be waiting impatiently for me to hit the "send" key so they could read my amazing spiel.

I don't know if I'll ever get that good, but I damn well am going to try!

You know your life is complicated when.....

you can't even remember which email address you used to sign up for your blog!
and once you finally do figure out address, you can't remember which password you used!
Geez, you'd think I was loosing my mind.

I worked twice yesterday; early early morning and then last night until after midnight, and have had probably about 4-4 1/2 hours of sleep in the last 2 nights, so my mind is not all here, obviously. I am not sleeping well with his new job being 3rd shift. I keep waking up wondering if someone is sneaking in a window, coming to rob us, coming to get the kids, etc.
I didn't think I'd worry like that with the dogs here, but then I heard a story about someone who had dogs for protection and the evil person who came to get them brought the dogs poisoned Tbone steaks. Your mind does very strange things when you are sleep deprived. LOL.

Today I don't even have any profound writing to share.
It's strange there are times I could get on here and write for hours and others I can't think of a word to say.
I'll look for some inspiration and hopefully get back on tonight with some wonderous masterpiece to share with everybody. (I know it's in there, it has to come out sometime, right??????)

Ok, so I didn't come online and write yesterday.
There are also about 500 emails in my inbox because I didn't come online and read yesterday.

But I have a good excuse!!!
I was busy getting sunburned!

It was a gorgeous sunny day so Jessica and I took the inflatable raft out onto Long Lake for the first time ever, to go fishing.
Man do my muscles hurt from rowing that darn thing, especially my abs... guess I am gonna get myself a 6-pack huh? ROFLMAO.
I got myself a nice little sunburn going on, as Erica had taken the sunscreen to Cedar Point with her and still had it in her purse (which I didn't realize until we were actually ready to go out on the raft or I would have brought something else.) I hate sunburns... they make your whole entire body feel like crap.

So anyway, we went fishing out there.... at first they weren't biting but then Jessica got a BIG bite and ended up with me having to help pull her line out of the water with a nice sized (around 14 to 15 inches) bass attached to the end!!! It was the biggest fish she has ever caught and she was quite excited about it.

Ok, so now I am home from the beach today (yes we went today too) and I'm exhausted!
I will write more tomorrow.

forgot to add

today's weather... cloudy and almost 80°.
I hate clouds.

I have PMDD and a handgun, any questions????

Ok, so sometimes he doesn't listen to me.
and it frustrates me to no end. Yes I am PISSED OFF.
There is no way to explain how infuriated I get about it.

It also makes me want to distance myself from him.
How can I love him when I get so mad at him?
I know marriage has it's ups and downs but right now it seems like all down.

Ok, so this is really the wrong time of month to even be thinking about these sort of things, with my hormones bouncing off the walls like bullets ricocheting off metal, but damn the frustration is killing me.

I know a lot of this mess is due to the fact that he hasn't worked in almost a year. He's here, 24-7, driving me nuts. Not only that, but he really really sucks as a housekeeper, he can't cook, he can't clean, and I'm not here to do all those things anymore....

Okay, so it's true, a lot of this also has to do with the fact that I have been working at this job I can not stand, for over a year now. I thought this work thing was just temporary, until he found something, but it doesn't look that way. I feel so stuck... like I'm being held underwater and I can't come up for air... I can't breathe. It's smothering me. The work itself isn't so bad, but I really wasn't meant for a job where you have to wear a uniform and you punch in and have no clue what time you are going to be punching out.

If I could just sit here and write all day that would be fantastic. I wish it were that easy.

So he still makes lots of messes like he did before. But I was here to clean them up.
He's here but he doesn't clean up much of anything. So the messes are still here.
I hate messes.

Ok, he does the laundry. I'll give him that.
He's very darn good at loading those clothes in the washer, adding some soap and turning it on.
And then putting them in the dryer when they are done.
and he's working on his folding... still has a ways to go but he's working on it.

It all looks silly when I write it out.
But that's all the outside stuff, not the listening part.
That part isn't silly.

It's much much worse than all the housekeeping stuff.
I can live with the housekeeping stuff... if he would just LISTEN to me for once...
be honest and really listen....
But he doesn't get it.

I think this is how our conversations go... or at least what HE hears of them...

Me:"blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah. Blah blah. Blah blah blah blah blah. Blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah?"

Him: "sure honey, whatever you want"

Me: "Blah blah blah blah. Blah blah blah blah blah. Blah blah. Blah blah blah, blah blah?"

Him: "Oh yeah, I'll do that... I'm sure I'll have time tomorrow to do it."

Me: "blah blah, blah blah blah. Blah blah."

Him: "No I won't forget... I know it's important."

*****************************************************************

Meanwhile, this is how the conversation really went and what he missed:

Me: "The doorway is half done and it looks funny... I really want to finish the job we started a few months ago... I don't have to work this weekend... do you think you could get the trim boards for the door and we could finish putting it up this weekend?

Him: "sure honey, whatever you want"

Me: "The kitchen floor is looking really grungy. There is leftovers all over the table. I don't think the table has been scrubbed in a few weeks. Do you think you could clean off the table and mop tomorrow?"

Him: "Oh Yeah, I'll do that.... I'm sure I'll have plenty of time tomorrow to do it."

Me: Make sure you pay the house payment, too. It's due tomorrow and I don't want us to get any late fees or extra interest owed."

Him: "No I won't forget... I know it's important."


And so I come home late Friday afternoon after a very long day at work. The house is TOTALLY TRASHED. Food on the floors, food on the table, a sink full of dirty dishes, and a dishwasher, also packed to the hilt with dirty dishes. There is no milk. The kids are hungry. The living room is in shambles. There are no boards to work on the doors tomorrow, and the house payment has not been paid. (which means we have to wait until Monday because the bank doesn't do them on weekends) I ask him about the boards, the floors, the payment, about all we talked about, and he says he doesn't even remember our conversation.

HE DOESN'T REMEMBER???

Try NOT LISTENING.... that is plain and simple all it was.

BE HONEST ABOUT IT....

I could deal with a
"I DID NOT LISTEN TO A DAMNED WORD YOU SAID, HONEY!!!"

But he won't be honest about it.

Instead......

Just try to fake it instead. Maybe I won't notice?
"I dont' remember."
"I forgot you said that."
"That's not how I heard it"
"Is that what we were talking about?"
"Oh, now I remember." (still trying to fake it)
"I won't let it happen again" (until next time)

It's so damned frustrating.

Okay, it did feel good to get that all out.

I know things are a zillion times worse when you have PMDD (at least that is what my doctor said). But I feel like I'm going insane.

I feel like bawling my eyes out. (or clawing his out!)

I feel like getting in the car and leaving and not coming back. (have even considered doing it a few times but won't because of my kids)

I feel like quitting my job and letting the pieces fall by the way side (but won't because again like above.... my kids.)

I know I'll make it through... one day at a time...

Ok, where'd I set that handgun??

(LOL)

So I am out of work for the day.
It's 87° out. The sun is shining, the sky is cloudless. It's humid and sticky. It's perfect!

I am wearing my favourite Tshirt with the sleeves rolled up,
(like they did in the 80's, but I don't smoke so I don't have a pack of smokes rolled into mine.)
my favourite cut offs, and a blue do-rag on my head.

I am flying down the dusty backroads at 70mph, with the windows rolled down, enjoying every single second of this gorgeous hot August day.

This is what I live for.
The dust, the breeze, the feeling of the wheel in my hands.
The smell of fresh cut grass. Tigerlillies alongside the road.

This, to me, must be as close to heaven as we can get here on earth.
Then I think to myself, about the only thing that would make it better is blueberries.
Cold frozen sweet blueberries, that melt in your mouth.

I don't have any blueberries at the moment, but still.... this is my own little glimpse of heaven.

It gets even better as I drive past a house having a bonfire...
reminds me of camping and s'mores and roasting weenies.

This is summer and it's everything I love.
I try to capture and imprint every second on my mind and in my heart.
I know winter will be here too soon, with it's cold icy whiteness that leaves me feeling bone dead.
So I close my eyes and soak in summer...

somewhere to turn

I've had so many ideas flowing in my head, just bursting to get out into the world...
that's how things happen... an idea turns into SOMETHING wonderful.
So then I come to the computer and I don't know where to put them...
and my ideas, not noted, drift away like the sand.
So here's hoping the inspiration continues inside me, and I can have the discipline and courage to post them here.

I really need to discipline myself to get into the habit of writing everyday.
Even if it's just a paragraph. That is important to me.
I can't let this get away... it's everything I am, the very being inside me...
It's an ache, a bright light, a legend, an opportunity...
It's my life.