I have PMDD and a handgun, any questions????

Ok, so sometimes he doesn't listen to me.
and it frustrates me to no end. Yes I am PISSED OFF.
There is no way to explain how infuriated I get about it.

It also makes me want to distance myself from him.
How can I love him when I get so mad at him?
I know marriage has it's ups and downs but right now it seems like all down.

Ok, so this is really the wrong time of month to even be thinking about these sort of things, with my hormones bouncing off the walls like bullets ricocheting off metal, but damn the frustration is killing me.

I know a lot of this mess is due to the fact that he hasn't worked in almost a year. He's here, 24-7, driving me nuts. Not only that, but he really really sucks as a housekeeper, he can't cook, he can't clean, and I'm not here to do all those things anymore....

Okay, so it's true, a lot of this also has to do with the fact that I have been working at this job I can not stand, for over a year now. I thought this work thing was just temporary, until he found something, but it doesn't look that way. I feel so stuck... like I'm being held underwater and I can't come up for air... I can't breathe. It's smothering me. The work itself isn't so bad, but I really wasn't meant for a job where you have to wear a uniform and you punch in and have no clue what time you are going to be punching out.

If I could just sit here and write all day that would be fantastic. I wish it were that easy.

So he still makes lots of messes like he did before. But I was here to clean them up.
He's here but he doesn't clean up much of anything. So the messes are still here.
I hate messes.

Ok, he does the laundry. I'll give him that.
He's very darn good at loading those clothes in the washer, adding some soap and turning it on.
And then putting them in the dryer when they are done.
and he's working on his folding... still has a ways to go but he's working on it.

It all looks silly when I write it out.
But that's all the outside stuff, not the listening part.
That part isn't silly.

It's much much worse than all the housekeeping stuff.
I can live with the housekeeping stuff... if he would just LISTEN to me for once...
be honest and really listen....
But he doesn't get it.

I think this is how our conversations go... or at least what HE hears of them...

Me:"blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah. Blah blah. Blah blah blah blah blah. Blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah?"

Him: "sure honey, whatever you want"

Me: "Blah blah blah blah. Blah blah blah blah blah. Blah blah. Blah blah blah, blah blah?"

Him: "Oh yeah, I'll do that... I'm sure I'll have time tomorrow to do it."

Me: "blah blah, blah blah blah. Blah blah."

Him: "No I won't forget... I know it's important."

*****************************************************************

Meanwhile, this is how the conversation really went and what he missed:

Me: "The doorway is half done and it looks funny... I really want to finish the job we started a few months ago... I don't have to work this weekend... do you think you could get the trim boards for the door and we could finish putting it up this weekend?

Him: "sure honey, whatever you want"

Me: "The kitchen floor is looking really grungy. There is leftovers all over the table. I don't think the table has been scrubbed in a few weeks. Do you think you could clean off the table and mop tomorrow?"

Him: "Oh Yeah, I'll do that.... I'm sure I'll have plenty of time tomorrow to do it."

Me: Make sure you pay the house payment, too. It's due tomorrow and I don't want us to get any late fees or extra interest owed."

Him: "No I won't forget... I know it's important."


And so I come home late Friday afternoon after a very long day at work. The house is TOTALLY TRASHED. Food on the floors, food on the table, a sink full of dirty dishes, and a dishwasher, also packed to the hilt with dirty dishes. There is no milk. The kids are hungry. The living room is in shambles. There are no boards to work on the doors tomorrow, and the house payment has not been paid. (which means we have to wait until Monday because the bank doesn't do them on weekends) I ask him about the boards, the floors, the payment, about all we talked about, and he says he doesn't even remember our conversation.

HE DOESN'T REMEMBER???

Try NOT LISTENING.... that is plain and simple all it was.

BE HONEST ABOUT IT....

I could deal with a
"I DID NOT LISTEN TO A DAMNED WORD YOU SAID, HONEY!!!"

But he won't be honest about it.

Instead......

Just try to fake it instead. Maybe I won't notice?
"I dont' remember."
"I forgot you said that."
"That's not how I heard it"
"Is that what we were talking about?"
"Oh, now I remember." (still trying to fake it)
"I won't let it happen again" (until next time)

It's so damned frustrating.

Okay, it did feel good to get that all out.

I know things are a zillion times worse when you have PMDD (at least that is what my doctor said). But I feel like I'm going insane.

I feel like bawling my eyes out. (or clawing his out!)

I feel like getting in the car and leaving and not coming back. (have even considered doing it a few times but won't because of my kids)

I feel like quitting my job and letting the pieces fall by the way side (but won't because again like above.... my kids.)

I know I'll make it through... one day at a time...

Ok, where'd I set that handgun??

(LOL)