pmdd. AGAIN.

I am really feeling it BAD this month.
My stomach is wincing...
these attacks in my gut always seem worse...
the doc says due to hormones interacting...
It hits me like a brick in the face and my whole world goes awry.
My head is pounding...
like little lightbulbs exploding inside, over and over again,
and little shards of glass cutting, chopping, gouging me in the back of my eyes.
Migranes.
My thoughts are not all my own,
and I catch myself so many times biting my tongue...
Thankfully I usually catch myself...
my tact is gone and insanity is taking over half my thoughts.

I am so many times almost getting myself into trouble...
My thoughts go all over weird places,
The world is a scary place when this happens
and I just keep telling myself
"It will pass, and you will feel better.... "
and
"NO big decision making at this time..."

All my instincts tell me different though and sometimes I just can't stop myself.
Sometimes,though it's a GOOD thing....
because it keeps me from letting people take advantage of me.
I've let that happen more than one too many times and
I'm not doing it anymore.

If people want to put me down,
walk on me and take advantage of my kindness,
they are NOT worth my time and effort.
And I am NOT giving it to them.
If they aren't for me, they are against me.

I can't waste my time on people who bring me down.
Life is just WAY too short to spend it freaking about how someone sees me,
or worrying about how I might be "offending" them by being myself.

Ok, don't get me wrong,I am NOT an unreasonable person.
I would consider myself QUITE the opposite.
Yes even at this time of month.

I am also NOT a selfish person and I think anyone who knows me would say that.
I honestly believe, with all my heart and soul,
that EVERY THING we have is from God and he gave it with us to SHARE,
not play hog with.

Ok, do I sound like I just lost a friend?
Yeah, I gave up on somebody tonight that I *thought* was my friend.
I feel taken advantage of, hurt and just a tad bit ( infuriatingly SO) PISSED OFF.

I want to cry.I want to scream.I want to fight.
I want to rip someones damn head off.
But I won't.
and I will get over it.
I guess I should learn from my mistakes....
but sometimes the lesson is pointless.

There's always tomorrow.
And I just keep telling myself....
REMEMBER WHO YOU ARE.

still recovering from the weekend?

Last weekend I had the wonderful opportunity to attend a scrapbook retreat out in the beautiful autumn woods on Center Lake in Tustin. It was nice to get away but it sure didn't last long enough and I'm ready to go again!

I took this photo from the Bible Camp we were staying at... it turned out nice so I entered it in the fall photo contest at Michigan.org.

I like autumn but I HATE what comes next. I'm already wearing long johns and I can't even bake cinnamon rolls for breakfast and warm up the house due to the oven being out of order at the moment. (see previous post) It's already so cold in the mornings you can see your breath and have to scrape a thick layer of ice off your car when you go to leave for work!

I hope we can still find worms tomorrow night for fishing on Saturday. I'm trying to get the hubby to bring the boat up to Lake Mitchell in Cadillac, which isn't far from Tustin, and the colors are at absolute peak right now... gorgeous. We've never had the boat out on Lake Mitchell.... we only just got it fixed this month, but we've hung out at the boat ramp before. It's so pretty up there.

Eventually we'd like to buy a cottage on Lake Mitchell, since the parents sold the "family" cottage up north. Ours will have a clause in the deed that PROHIBITS it from being sold away from the family!!! It broke my kids hearts when they did that. I chose Lake Mitchell because it's closer to home. The old cottage was about 3.5 hours away, Lake Mitchell is just over an hour.

We also have a new kitty. He was living in the boat all summer. At first I didn't "want" him. He would sit on my van, and even hop inside if I left it open. Katie was putting out bowls of food for him and every stray in the neighborhood was having a picnic in my yard!! It really made me mad when Jessica started opening my canned chicken and feeding him that. That stuff isn't cheap and I definitely did NOT buy it for a stray cat to eat! We didn't really have the money to spend on a new cat either. But he is so sweet and loving. After awhile he even won my heart. He is just the sweetest little thing.

So he lived in the boat all summer. Nobody claimed him. One day last month we took him in to the vet to get tested to be sure he had no diseses he can give to Austin. He was disease free, so we had his shots done. Then we took him just 2 weeks ago and had him declawed.

Ok, so I just spent the last 30 minutes reading every spot on can online about how to remove melted plastic from the bottom of your oven. Now I think I need to go find the tutorial for how to NOT use your daughters fat head to remove the melted plastic from the bottom of the oven.

Yeah, I go to class tonight not even the slightest bit worried (yes I usually am worried) about people messing up my stuff.....
Jessica and Erica are at church with the youth leader working on projects for Youth ministry.
Kevin is with a few friends (good trustable, not mess your house up kind of friends even!!!) and Katie is, unbeknowst to her, on her way to a FAMILY FORCE 5 concert with her Daddy.
So when I leave the house is devoid of all life forms with the exception of the canines and the felines, who are all doing their usual routine: snoring.

My first warning that something was wrong was when I met Daddy to pick Katie up after the concert (he had to go right to work) and he said Jessica burned some containers in the oven.
Yeah, my BRAND NEW gorgeous beautiful EXPENSIVE oven!!!

First red flag....
JESSICA WILL NOT BAKE IN THE OVEN....
she's scared of it.
She won't even help me make cookies.
Which tells me she was cold,
and thought she might warm the house up by turning on the oven.
(she's done it before... I have caught her. She learned this damn bad habit from my mom)
Yeah, a big 5 bedroom house, a little tiny oven ought to do the trick. (HELLO!)

So then I pull in,
Second Red flag....
there in the middle of the driveway sits a pile of melted containers half full of cookies with a fat stray cat sitting in the middle of them pigging out! Even the cats like my cookies!

After examining the mess of molten plastic, I knew my oven could not look good. There were only HALF of the molten containers sitting there..... the other half I realized, must still lie in the bottom of my oven.

Upon opening the door to come inside, we are hit with the most putrid smell you can imagine. My whole house emanates of this nasty reeking fume that hits you like a wall when you step inside. It makes me almost wonder if one of the cats wasn't locked inside the oven as well. How long will this smell hang out around here?? I sure hope it leaves soon.

The inside of the oven looks like a wax candle exploded inside.
I have no clue what I'm going to do to clean it up....
my daughter does have long hair.... would't it work to...........

naw. People go to jail for those things.

A part of me wonders if this was on purpose.
there have been too many coincindences lately.
If her brother hadn't come home with his friends would my house had burned down?
I can't help but think of these things with all that has been going on lately.
Bipolar is a scary monster that keeps knocking on our door.

wow it's been a long time

It's been a while since I posted at all.
I am taking 6 classes and the homework just piles up on me. Between that and work and everything around here with the kids and house, I have NO TIME for anything else.
I love my classes though..... at least MOST of them. LOL.
I love my computer classes - learning how to navigate the new Microsoft Word and Excel 2007 and I already use the programs a lot anyway so it's something I really needed to learn.
Self Defense class is KILLING ME... I didn't realize how OUT OF SHAPE I was until I started in there... I am learning a lot though and it's helping me with some things I have thought about since I was a teenager.
The lab science is the big doozie. It's going to trash my perfect 4.0 I have going. I got a B+ on my first test in there last week. I studied like CRAZY too. The class is INCREDIBLY hard for me. I just can not fathom atoms and all that stuff. To me the world is made up of letters, stories, poems, etc. not atoms. I have a quote somewhere that says that..... from someone famous and I have to wholeheartedly agree.
I am also taking the History of Immigration in America. It's very interesting. The whole reason I took the class is that I want to write about my ancestors and their journey to America and life here as immigrants. I am learning a lot and while we haven't (and won't) really touched much much on the Dutch aspect of immigration to America, the overall general gist of it is still there and that's a good basic starting point.
My favourite class is Writing for Publications. I tried for 3 semesters to get into this class (it's only offered in one session per sememster... so 30 lucky people get to take the class each semester and I FINALLY got to be one of them!) and I am finally here and loving every minute of it! When I leave the class at night I leave feeling like I CAN DO THIS!!! I am a writer and eventually it will happen.
There are so many times I get discouraged and I know a LOT of it is my lack of motivation because of the situation I am in right now, but this class really energizes me and fires me up for writing and I am so glad I took it. I KNOW I can do it and I have seen that more since I started this class then ever before. It's just discipline right now, discipline and discouragement that is holding me back!
well that and a ton of homework. LOL.
In December I'll graduate with my transferable AA, with English and Writing as my emphasis.
I want to go to the local UNI then (GRAND VALLEY STATE UNIVERSITY) I haven't decided if I want to go in January or take the winter and summer semesters off and start up next fall... but I'd better make up my mind SOON!
well, I'm off to do more homework.
help.... i'm drowning.
LOL.