Today wasn't really too bad until nighttime when it was time to go home. I held my tongue at the inlaws. At what point does it become OK for someone who has not raised a child to tell me how to raise mine???
I bit my tongue and let it slide.
If she had pressed it I would have left.
While I have finally found enough of myself to stick up for myself, I also believe there are times when it's okay to let it slide for the sake of my kids and this was one of those times.
so like I said, life really wasn't all that bad until tonight when we left my moms house....
While packing the leftovers in the back of the van, my son had a TOTAL MELTDOWN that involved the whole family as it almost always does. They are not as often as they use to be, but doesn't mean the things he says and does don't hurt people.
Honestly, I really don't care how it makes me feel... I can deal..... This too shall pass.... but seeing what it does to his sisters that just kills me inside.
I bit my tongue and let it slide.
If she had pressed it I would have left.
While I have finally found enough of myself to stick up for myself, I also believe there are times when it's okay to let it slide for the sake of my kids and this was one of those times.
so like I said, life really wasn't all that bad until tonight when we left my moms house....
While packing the leftovers in the back of the van, my son had a TOTAL MELTDOWN that involved the whole family as it almost always does. They are not as often as they use to be, but doesn't mean the things he says and does don't hurt people.
Honestly, I really don't care how it makes me feel... I can deal..... This too shall pass.... but seeing what it does to his sisters that just kills me inside.
My husband just ignores all this.
It seems now that it's OKAY with him if this kid makes our life hell. It's okay no matter what he does.... he can do no wrong.
It doesn't matter what he does, my husband continues to reward him.
If I try to impose a punishment he doesn't follow through with it on his side of things, so basically it has become POINTLESS.
I can't do this by myself. I never wanted to be a single parent.
I did all the right things... I waited to have kids... and now this???
I don't know if it's because he feels guilty that he doesn't get the time to spend with the kids anymore, or what, but this is the one time in my life when I really WISH I had someone to fall back on for support. A place to land. Someone to be THERE FOR ME. I need that so bad and I don't have it.
He doesn't seem to care anymore at all that our relationship is falling apart because of all this either. The lack of support I guess that is killing me worse than the bipolar problems at this point. What a mess.
There are some times where I am just ready to pack my crap and go, and tonight is one of those times. At this point I am here for the other kids and that is about it. THE ONLY REASON. Sad but true.
I just keep telling myself it won't be this way forever.
But if we continue to grow apart like this, there will come a time where I just won't be able to stay here anymore. I don't want to live the rest of my life feeling like this. If it comes down to that I'll be gone...
It's hard to say that.
Hard to think that.
We had all these plans and dreams for the future.
They just don't sound exciting anymore.
No, that's not right.
They do sound exciting.
But at this point I don't want to do them with HIM.
I just keep thinking about not having the support from him and how painful that is.
I don't want to feel that way forever.
It seems now that it's OKAY with him if this kid makes our life hell. It's okay no matter what he does.... he can do no wrong.
It doesn't matter what he does, my husband continues to reward him.
If I try to impose a punishment he doesn't follow through with it on his side of things, so basically it has become POINTLESS.
I can't do this by myself. I never wanted to be a single parent.
I did all the right things... I waited to have kids... and now this???
I don't know if it's because he feels guilty that he doesn't get the time to spend with the kids anymore, or what, but this is the one time in my life when I really WISH I had someone to fall back on for support. A place to land. Someone to be THERE FOR ME. I need that so bad and I don't have it.
He doesn't seem to care anymore at all that our relationship is falling apart because of all this either. The lack of support I guess that is killing me worse than the bipolar problems at this point. What a mess.
There are some times where I am just ready to pack my crap and go, and tonight is one of those times. At this point I am here for the other kids and that is about it. THE ONLY REASON. Sad but true.
I just keep telling myself it won't be this way forever.
But if we continue to grow apart like this, there will come a time where I just won't be able to stay here anymore. I don't want to live the rest of my life feeling like this. If it comes down to that I'll be gone...
It's hard to say that.
Hard to think that.
We had all these plans and dreams for the future.
They just don't sound exciting anymore.
No, that's not right.
They do sound exciting.
But at this point I don't want to do them with HIM.
I just keep thinking about not having the support from him and how painful that is.
I don't want to feel that way forever.
I can't say I know what it's like to have to deal with the things you do. Chances are, you've been dealing with them far longer than I've had the cognitive ability to truly sympathize, but I do hope you know that someone does care.
ReplyDeleteI imagine the situations you have to put up with on a daily basis are more than difficult, sometimes heartbreaking, and most often without any sense of gratitude. I'm willing to bet that you havn't yet given up because you care about your family too much to abandon them. The very fact that you're still holding on just for them, even despite the thoughtlessness and the indifference they might show to how you feel, is admirable.
I know that I don't know you, but from the little I've read from your perspective I can tell how considerate and valuable of a person you are. I wish there were more people in the world like you. Please don't think I'm just saying that to be sweet, either. I'm not a fan of spewing compliments haphazardly; I feel it numbs the purpose.
I don't know how much stress you must go through, but I do know that anyone with a functioning brain stem has stress, and I hope you don't feel guilty for it. In the end I just hope you know that it's okay. I honestly wish I knew you so that I could help.